Daytime TV Commercials

There's nothing better than playing hooky or having a day off from work to do nothing more than lie around in front of the television. That is until you're about two hours in to your lazy plan and you start feeling like a degenerate loser all because of the advertisements being pushed at you.

Here's how I picture the breed of person these ads are being geared towards: A low-life scumsucker with no high school diploma and no job. You've had your phone service cut off due to lack of payment, and you are looking to get a car from a dealership that only requires your tax refund check. Due to a car accident that was made to look like someone else's fault and the slip and fall you took at your local Wal-Mart, you need a lawyer with similar scumsucking qualities as yourself that can sue the balls off a big conglomerate. If you already have sued, you need more money than the current settlement you are getting in monthly increments, so in comes the need for J.G. Wentworth, who will buy out your settlement because "You need your money and you need it now!!". **Be sure to open a window and scream that last statement as loud as you can, just as the commercial portrays. Oh yeah, and you must have some random checks lying around that need to be cashed, but you're obviously unable to maintain a valid bank account so you need a skeevy check cashing organization to do it for you. If you're a senior citizen, you'd better get a reverse mortgage, some life insurance, and a Hoveround so you can start enjoying your life and make sure you check your fucking blood sugar as often as possible.

I have a message for these people-- get up off of your lazy asses and stop watching TV. Let the people like me, who just want to call into work sick and lie around watching quality television-- Jerry Springer, Maury Povich and (my personal favorite) that outlandish, homosexual judge David Young and his sassy, diva bailiff-- do it without being made to feel like a dirty bottomfeeder.