The Manipulation of the Church Marquis-- my first inspiration

There's nothing I love more than spotting a clever little guilt-ridden, pun laden church marquis. There are so many unanswered questions I have about this anomaly. Who writes these things? Do they actually serve their purpose? Is there some kind of special church marquis code or is it just one big free-for-all? Most importantly, how do I get a job doing this? The following are some of my all-time favorites.. by the way, the example to the left was crafted by me using the Church Sign Generator I found online. Jesus, you really can find anything on the Internet. Heh.. I'd like to see that previous statement on a church marquis. Anyway...

• DUSTY BIBLES LEAD TO DIRTY LIVES

Well sure they do. If anything in your possession is gathering dust, all signs point to YOU NEED TO CLEAN UP! Do you even know what dust is?? I'll take this opportunity to tell you-- it's mostly sloughed off dead skin and hair from humans and animals. Do you know what is often found with dust collections? Dust mites. Take a look at them... would you want those things crawling around your humble abode feasting on your dead skin? I didn't think so. If you have a dusty bible, go ahead and dust it off whether you plan on reading it or not. As a matter of fact, dust the whole house, it probably needs it.

• SOUL FOOD SERVED HERE

Here's a friendly piece of advice; do not stop at this establishment because you're hungry, proceed to find a place to sit, and order a full plate of ribs, collard greens and cornbread with a side of hot sauce from the first person that approaches you. Only speaking from experience. This is a false advertisement and I don't appreciate it. Only a church would be able to get away with deliberately delivering false information in order to achieve a commercial advantage. Dell sure didn't get away with it.

• SO YOU THINK IT'S HOT HERE? --GOD

Considering I saw this on a local church marquis in Florida in June.. I'd have to say, "Fuck yeah it's hot!". Have you ever traveled to Florida in the summer, God, or are you like the other snowbirds that can afford to have a home in two different climates for comfort and convenience? We've all used the expression 'It's hot as Hell!' on one occasion or another, and when you did use it-- you were probably in Florida. Don't patronize my sweaty ass with this question.

• JESUS GOT HIS ASS TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY, YOU SHOULD TOO

Do I even have to comment on this one? Funny? Yes. Offensive? Yes. Clever? Yes. It's perfect. Too bad it only lasted 36 hours in my neighborhood before they quick took it down and replaced it with a different, 'cleaner' guilt trip to attract the heathens.

• LORD--GRANT ME THE PERSISTENCE OF A WEED

Who in the world is asking for this?? I wish for a lot of things; more sleep, more money, the miraculous return of the original Nintendo NES system [Power Pad and Duck Hunt included. The gray gun, too, not that unrealistic orange one].. but I've never wished for persistence. And if one is going to wish for persistence, why would they want it similar to that of a weed? What about something persistent that's exciting and adventurous, like a crackhead! C'mon, you can't tell me that crackheads don't go on some crazy adventures. The only type of human being I can possibly fathom requesting this annoying quality is a telemarketer. Now there's a job.. these people get paid to be ridiculed, insulted and hung up on. Or lied to. I guess if I were a telemarketer, I'd pray for persistence, too.