Daytime TV Commercials

There's nothing better than playing hooky or having a day off from work to do nothing more than lie around in front of the television. That is until you're about two hours in to your lazy plan and you start feeling like a degenerate loser all because of the advertisements being pushed at you.

Here's how I picture the breed of person these ads are being geared towards: A low-life scumsucker with no high school diploma and no job. You've had your phone service cut off due to lack of payment, and you are looking to get a car from a dealership that only requires your tax refund check. Due to a car accident that was made to look like someone else's fault and the slip and fall you took at your local Wal-Mart, you need a lawyer with similar scumsucking qualities as yourself that can sue the balls off a big conglomerate. If you already have sued, you need more money than the current settlement you are getting in monthly increments, so in comes the need for J.G. Wentworth, who will buy out your settlement because "You need your money and you need it now!!". **Be sure to open a window and scream that last statement as loud as you can, just as the commercial portrays. Oh yeah, and you must have some random checks lying around that need to be cashed, but you're obviously unable to maintain a valid bank account so you need a skeevy check cashing organization to do it for you. If you're a senior citizen, you'd better get a reverse mortgage, some life insurance, and a Hoveround so you can start enjoying your life and make sure you check your fucking blood sugar as often as possible.

I have a message for these people-- get up off of your lazy asses and stop watching TV. Let the people like me, who just want to call into work sick and lie around watching quality television-- Jerry Springer, Maury Povich and (my personal favorite) that outlandish, homosexual judge David Young and his sassy, diva bailiff-- do it without being made to feel like a dirty bottomfeeder.

Bluetooth Headsets

I walked into a store one time and there was only one other person within earshot of me. I happened to glance in this woman's direction and noticed that she was wildly talking to herself. I chuckled to myself because let's be honest, catching someone talking to themselves is quite amusing. A few minutes later, I was still eavesdropping on her one way conversation when I realized she was wearing one of those stupid Bluetooth headsets and she was talking on the phone. This made me angry for numerous different reasons, but mostly because she depleted the joy I had gotten by thinking I spotted a Schizophrenic.

Why is it that people feel the need to wear these things? Where I come from, having a metal/plastic thing coming out of your ear is an indication of a physical disability called being deaf. What confuses me even more is that it's not the 'important' business types I see wearing them. Most often, it's the lazy, rich housewives talking lazy, rich housewife gossip to other lazy, rich housewives. How about when you call someone and you can tell they are wearing that stupid headset and you know damn well that they are at home doing nothing. I feel like if you want to be permanently connected to something useful, strap a toilet to your ass, too. You'll look just as foolish and you won't have to try and hide the fact that you're talking on the phone while doing your business.

Reality Dating Shows

Take a good hard look at this crowd. Do their faces say to you, "I am a happy, well-rounded, productive member of society."?

Think of a time in your life when you were pretty depressed and feeling like a sorry sack of shit. Maybe you started to spiral out of control in a desperate path of self destruction. Everyone's been there....... right? Hmmmmm... well anyway, now imagine that at this time in your life, you have to live with 47 other people leading the same shitty life as you. All of you live in a house filled with endless amounts of booze and poor decision making skills. On top of that, every second of every day is documented by 29 video cameras placed strategically around the house to make sure and catch any random, drunk, unprotected sex that's sure to take place. Then this fine documentary is aired for the world to see the mess that is your life. All under the guise that you're going to fall in love. I'd like to see the original pitch to the network that aired the very first reality group dating show. I bet it is similar to the example written above. Except no one discusses the fact that these people will continue to live their lives after this show airs. That most of them will probably have children--fucking scary--that will end up seeing this crap one day. What happens then? I wonder if 20 years from now there will be a show on VH1 called What Ever Happened To.... ....Lost Children of Reality Dating Show Contestants. I look forward to that.

Kids on Leashes

Have you ever been lucky enough to spot this phenomenon? If there were ever a time to pass judgement on someone at first glance, it would be now. These leashes say to the world, "I am a mean, horrible parent and am afraid that my child will try and escape the throes of my domination." You must have caught your child trying to plot an escape. I bet it was written on the tiles of the bathroom wall with those bathtub water crayons. Let me help you out... As long as you have the leash on them, why not take even further precaution and throw in a muzzle and choke collar, as well. The muzzle will prevent you from having to converse with your child, plus, they won't be able to chew their way through that leash while you're [obviously] not paying attention. The choke collar will just provide you with that extra sense of power. When that wanna-be-fugitive child turns to you and says in that baby-ish little voice you loathe, "You huwrtin meeeeee", you can give them something to cry about. Bottom line is, there's no better way to get a head start on your child's life leading to a lack of dignity and self respect. I say, we all start carrying around some heavy duty scissors.. when you happen to come upon this awkward situation, sneakily cut this evil leash and set the child free! Some concerned, caring citizen is bound to spot the child and offer it a better life; at least with a fenced-in backyard.

The Manipulation of the Church Marquis-- my first inspiration

There's nothing I love more than spotting a clever little guilt-ridden, pun laden church marquis. There are so many unanswered questions I have about this anomaly. Who writes these things? Do they actually serve their purpose? Is there some kind of special church marquis code or is it just one big free-for-all? Most importantly, how do I get a job doing this? The following are some of my all-time favorites.. by the way, the example to the left was crafted by me using the Church Sign Generator I found online. Jesus, you really can find anything on the Internet. Heh.. I'd like to see that previous statement on a church marquis. Anyway...

• DUSTY BIBLES LEAD TO DIRTY LIVES

Well sure they do. If anything in your possession is gathering dust, all signs point to YOU NEED TO CLEAN UP! Do you even know what dust is?? I'll take this opportunity to tell you-- it's mostly sloughed off dead skin and hair from humans and animals. Do you know what is often found with dust collections? Dust mites. Take a look at them... would you want those things crawling around your humble abode feasting on your dead skin? I didn't think so. If you have a dusty bible, go ahead and dust it off whether you plan on reading it or not. As a matter of fact, dust the whole house, it probably needs it.

• SOUL FOOD SERVED HERE

Here's a friendly piece of advice; do not stop at this establishment because you're hungry, proceed to find a place to sit, and order a full plate of ribs, collard greens and cornbread with a side of hot sauce from the first person that approaches you. Only speaking from experience. This is a false advertisement and I don't appreciate it. Only a church would be able to get away with deliberately delivering false information in order to achieve a commercial advantage. Dell sure didn't get away with it.

• SO YOU THINK IT'S HOT HERE? --GOD

Considering I saw this on a local church marquis in Florida in June.. I'd have to say, "Fuck yeah it's hot!". Have you ever traveled to Florida in the summer, God, or are you like the other snowbirds that can afford to have a home in two different climates for comfort and convenience? We've all used the expression 'It's hot as Hell!' on one occasion or another, and when you did use it-- you were probably in Florida. Don't patronize my sweaty ass with this question.

• JESUS GOT HIS ASS TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY, YOU SHOULD TOO

Do I even have to comment on this one? Funny? Yes. Offensive? Yes. Clever? Yes. It's perfect. Too bad it only lasted 36 hours in my neighborhood before they quick took it down and replaced it with a different, 'cleaner' guilt trip to attract the heathens.

• LORD--GRANT ME THE PERSISTENCE OF A WEED

Who in the world is asking for this?? I wish for a lot of things; more sleep, more money, the miraculous return of the original Nintendo NES system [Power Pad and Duck Hunt included. The gray gun, too, not that unrealistic orange one].. but I've never wished for persistence. And if one is going to wish for persistence, why would they want it similar to that of a weed? What about something persistent that's exciting and adventurous, like a crackhead! C'mon, you can't tell me that crackheads don't go on some crazy adventures. The only type of human being I can possibly fathom requesting this annoying quality is a telemarketer. Now there's a job.. these people get paid to be ridiculed, insulted and hung up on. Or lied to. I guess if I were a telemarketer, I'd pray for persistence, too.